


World Domination 101

by misura



Category: Thor (2011)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Community: smallfandomfest, Multi, Post-Movie(s), Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-19
Updated: 2012-06-19
Packaged: 2017-11-08 03:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/438500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy goes undercover as Loki's girlfriend. Clint goes undercover as Loki's boyfriend. Loki goes undercover as a version of himself who absolutely knows what he's doing. Together they <strike>save</strike> make plans to conquer the world!</p>
            </blockquote>





	World Domination 101

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Burningchaos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/gifts).



> prompt: _Loki/Darcy/Clint, they were supposed to be pets but nothing ever turns out like he (Loki) plans_
> 
> set after Thor and not compliant with the timeline/events of The Avengers

Darcy goes undercover as Loki's girlfriend, and this is how it happens:

She tasers him when she walks into the kitchen one night - which is kind of silly, really, but okay, whatever. He's clearly there to raid the fridge or something (there might be a whole carton of milk in there, and maybe some vegetables) so it's totally self-defense.

For good measure and also to keep him from, oh, _making the apartment explode_ , she then blindfolds him and ties his hands with a kitchen towel. (Darcy's not into bondage, so it's the best she can do in the spur of the moment.)

The first thing Loki says when he regains consciousness is: "Uh."

It's kind of disappointing for someone who's supposed to be the slickest mother in the valley. "I have a weapon and I'm not afraid to use it," Darcy says. "Again."

"Sorry, I think I got the wrong apartment," Loki says, and that's more like it, really; Darcy might almost believe he's telling the truth. If, say, her IQ was half as high as it is.

"Nice try, buddy."

Loki coughs a bit. "Is there maybe something I could get you to make up for the inconvenience?"

"Unless you can get me an iPod, I don't think so," Darcy says, mostly because a flat-out 'nope' seems snappy, but also not really conductive to continuing the conversation.

There's a soft ping and then there's an iPod lying on the kitchen table. It looks sort of shiny.

"Don't try anything funny; I'm watching you." Darcy edges towards the kitchen table and cautiously picks up the iPod. It _feels_ like a real iPod. It _looks_ like a real iPod, except: "Justin Bieber? Seriously?"

"I read he's very popular with young women," Loki says. "It seemed a safe bet."

Darcy thinks it's kind of nice to know the God of Lies, Deception and Mischief can also be a total idiot. Of course, it might be that that's exactly what he wants her to think but naw. It's _Justin Bieber_.

"So what's the storage capacity on this thing, anyway?" It doesn't look like anything she's seen in the store. "Two gig? Ten?"

"Whatever you want it to be." Loki shrugs. "I doubt you will be able to fill it in your mortal lifespan."

It would be neat if it was true. "Nice."

"So er. Have you ever thought about ruling the world?"

Darcy has, as a matter of fact. She's concluded that it would be a lot of work with little to no benefits and a sure way to die lonely, unloved and overworked.

On the other hand, if Loki's after world-domination, it might be better for everyone involved if he's got someone with him to er put things in perspective. (Sabotage is such an ugly word.) "Maybe?"

 

Clint goes undercover as Loki's boyfriend, and this is how it happens:

"You want me to do _what_ , now?"

"Go undercover as Loki's boyfriend," Coulson says patiently. "You won't need to do anything you wouldn't be comfortable with, obviously - we'd just like to keep an eye on him."

"Oh. Right. Sure, why not?"

 

"I can't believe you sold out humanity for a crossbow," Darcy says. She's less than pleased at Clint's showing up; pink baby dragons, yes, okay, as long as they're cute and stay away from her books and comics and DVDs, but Clint is neither a baby dragon nor cute and he totally went through her DVDs when she wasn't there, even if he keeps denying it.

Also: she doesn't know what Loki sees in him. "You did it for an iPod."

"Because SHIELD stole mine." Darcy neither forgives nor forgets.

"And anyway, it's a magical crossbow."

"It's a magical iPod, too."

Clint looks incredulous. Darcy considers kicking him. "Come on. It's an _iPod_. How can an iPod be magical? What, it downloads songs before you know you want to download them?"

"Two words. Unlimited storage capacity."

She can tell Clint's considering pointing out those are three words. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Loki says, sounding grumpy and cranky and just like any other guy Darcy's ever woken up with in the middle of the night. "Now, can the two of you please _stop talking_. I'm trying to sleep over here."

 

So Darcy is a bit of a surprise and Loki is, well, Loki. Some of the time. It worries Clint a bit that he finds himself thinking that if Loki's ever going to end up conquering the world, it's only going to happen thanks to Darcy. Without her, Loki's just going to do something stupid in a fiendishly clever way.

"You're kidding me, right? With that kind of collateral damage, you'll be lucky if you last for five minutes."

"But," Loki says, "they're just mortals?"

"Hey!" Darcy says, and for once, Clint agrees with her.

"Mortals I don't know personally?" Loki tries, but Clint can tell he's already admitted defeat. New York can sleep soundly for another night, even if Clint can't.

 

The sex is sort of mediocre. Or it _would_ be, if there was any. Apparently, chivalry is kind of an Asgardian standard (see: Thor), and one Loki still sort of adheres to.

They all sleep in the same room, but it feels more like a sleep-over than, well, something else.

"You're really not very into debauchery and that stuff, are you?"

Loki's expression is a little bit offended. "I can drink a lot?" Clint snorts. "And I had sex with a horse. Twice."

Clint looks torn between being impressed and being totally grossed out.

"It's not bestiality when you're doing it while you're a horse yourself," Darcy says, because yes, she's read up on her Norse Mythology, thank you. "A female one, even," she adds, for Clint's benefit.

Clint's expression doesn't noticeably change. Darcy bets it's that last bit.

"Don't tell me you're a virgin," she says, mostly because she hopes to get at least one dirty story out of Loki. After all, for all that he's not jumping her or Clint's bones after plying them with magical toys, he's still a guy who changed himself into a female horse to have sex (twice, apparently).

"I got pregnant. _Obviously_ I'm not a virgin."

Clint starts to look slightly green around the gills.

"You were still a mare at the time. Not, like, a guy," Darcy says. She blames Loki's corrupting influence for the fact that yup, she's trying to make Clint feel better. "Doesn't count."

Loki scowls and keeps quiet. Darcy tells herself it's probably an act. A very clever seduction ploy perhaps, even, although anyone could have told him half a bottle of tequila and a well-constructed speech about all that's wrong with America's political system today gets the trick done easily enough, too. Clint looks slightly shell-shocked.

"Well, this was fun. Good night, all."

 

Clint can't imagine anyone wanting to ... and as a _horse_. A _pregnant_ horse. That's just sick.

Well, no, okay, not _sick_ \- not when you actually _are_ a pregnant horse, obviously, but.

"Hey. You want a hug or something?" Clint's not sure what kind of something he's offering here, but shit. A hug sounds like the least he can do.

"Are you feeling sorry for me?" Loki asks, sounding half-annoyed and half like he really wants Clint to say 'yes'. Clint's not sure which of the two emotions is fake. Perhaps they both are.

"Well, Darcy's pretty brutal." Clint likes that about her, he thinks. It reminds him a bit of Natasha, except that Natasha is also a madly skilled assassin, whereas Darcy is just ... Darcy.

Loki sighs. "I don't understand why it matters so much."

"It doesn't, really. Some folks are just a bit hung up about it," Clint says. "I'm cool with it, honestly."

"You are?" Loki sounds surprised.

"Sure." Clint doesn't really understand why anyone would choose not to have sex, but hey, it's their own choice.

"You're cool with me killing people?"

"I - wait, what? Of course not." Clint mentally rewinds the conversation. "I thought you were talking about sex. Or, well, about you never having had any while not looking like a horse."

"You're cool with me never having any sex? Thanks a lot."

This, Clint supposes, is punishment for an almost good deed. "Hey, if you want to, what's stopping you?"

"Oh, come on," Loki says. "Like anyone'd want to have sex with _me_. Anyone suitable and sufficiently attractive and intelligent, that is."

"Mere mortals need not apply, huh?" Darcy says, sounding sleepy. Clint hopes that means she hasn't overheard the rest of their conversation.

"I didn't say _that_."

 

Clint looks at Darcy's costume like he's wondering who designed it, so Darcy flashes him a grin and twirls around by way of saying _'wouldn't you like to know?'_. Loki has more or less created it out of nothing by plucking the image out of her mind, which is probably something she'll have mixed feelings about later.

"I still don't see how this will help me conquer the world," Loki complains.

"Superheroes are popular," Darcy says airily. "You save the world a few times, and you're practically a shoo-in at the next presidential elections."

"But - "

"Start small. First America, then the world," Darcy says. "Now, I need a weapon. Something cool."

"Crossbow?" Clint offers, like the dork that he is - for all that he's also got very nice arms, which is probably why he leaves them bare nearly all the time. "It's magical."

"What's it do?"

"You use it, you'll always hit what you're aiming for." Clint shrugs. "I don't really need it." Darcy wonders if he realizes that he's just sort of completely blown his cover, given that this crossbow is supposed to be how Loki'd 'bribed' Clint into joining him.

Not really her problem, of course, except that Loki's got kind of a thing about people deceiving him, which is really ironic, considering, but there you are. "So we can be Clint Barton and his Merry People?"

"Loki and the Gang?"

"No, the musical career is plan B," Darcy says, mostly to see the expression on Clint's face, although Loki's is kind of hilarious, too. "Hey, you want to conquer the world, you're going to have to work for it, mister."

Loki mutters something inaudible. If he ever does make it into the White House, Darcy figures he might last two days, tops.

One, if she can get him the right vice president.


End file.
